Tell your story

 

Some weeks ago I was in Germany at a Conference for Evangelists, I have to say I felt quite out of place but it was a great opportunity and we were showered with blessings whilst there. Towards the end of the conference a younger woman to me prayed for me. She spoke about what I do without actually knowing and she talked about my art, I had told her that I was an artist. I don't remember entirely what she said to me but I do remember her saying this "Tell Your Story!. 

"Tell your story, 

others need to hear your story."

Those words have resonated in my heart ever since! I am however tempted to say what story? There's nothing to tell, is there? I feel like that is the way many people look at Childless couples. There is no offspring there was never signs of a baby so what story do you have? There was no beginning, there was no loss, there was nothing. There has always been nothing and you would be forgiven to think that there will always be nothing, No story. 

I remember how I felt when I was single, once again there was no story, there was no broken relationship, just a woman reaching her middle aged years looking like she may never get married. 

I was not single forever however, I did get married and I am approaching my 7th year anniversary. That grief that I once felt when I was single, there is an air of that with the state of not having Children. There are I have discovered similarities. 

I am always aware and amazed how people look at you when you are single and make comments that make you feel it is your fault, there is even judgement. What are you doing about it? What do you mean what am I doing about it. You can't go shopping for a husband, you can't make someone come into your life. Furthermore if you are making a relationship happen, manipulating the situation and person into marrying you, then you have a recipe for disaster and you are likely to be out of God's plan. There is a lot more to be said about this but I will leave that for another blog perhaps an entirely different page. 

When it comes to not having children the judgement you feel from people can also be similar. Instantly when you say you don't have children you can hear people's silent tuts, why would you not have children? You must be selfish if you don't want children. I don't know what is worse the judgement or the pity. That just like when your single they think something is wrong with you or that you are not complete. 

Being Childless is quite a painful subject, I don't know why but I always feel like I owe complete strangers an explanation to why we don't have children after 7 years of marriage. So quite often I feel I have to tell them my health issues. All of this can be quite traumatising on a regular basis. Perhaps I too have swallowed the lie that says if you don't have children you are not complete, you aren't even a real family. 

The other day I went for a mini procedure to do with the very reason I can't have children and the Nurse said "Did I have children.? How insensitive I thought, I guess' though that most women my age would have children by now even if they were in for womb cancer which is why I was there. So rather than going into the reason I was there, which I thought they should know. Perhaps if you read my notes you would see why I have been under this department now for almost 5 years, but I guess they don't have time for that. So rather than telling the whole gruelling story and re-traumatise myself I just said, " No I have a  Chihuahua." I am proud to be a fur mum. More about that in another blog. 

"No I have a  Chihuahua!"

There are those people who are secretly jealous of us, they think that life without children is somewhat better. These people tend to moan about the perils of having children, they never realise how insensitive and painful it is to hear this. So often when we go to spend time with friends who have children which is not very often, they always say that they want to pack the kids to bed,  or wait until the children are not around. Perhaps they don't realise that we don't get to spend much time with children and therefore the time we do get to spend with little ones is extremely precious. 

On the other hand it can be difficult because at the end of the day we are seeing the type of life we might have had. Well meaning people are always trying to say encouraging things like "Your time will come." Will it? Do you know? Why I am under the hospital? Again we are up against that idea that couples without children are not complete and it is highly damaging. 

"Your time will come."

Being in church means that we see children more than if we weren't. Nevertheless it takes time for children to warm to you and also for their parents. We have the added complication that we live quite far away from our church so unless there is a special activity we don't mix with other families. 

As I have said in a previous blog having no children means making friends can be difficult as most couple bond with other couples over children. Things like play dates and even discussing matters of children. I have noting to discuss or relate to. If I am honest I still find it hard to go to baby showers or go to see new babies. 

Its that balance between celebrating with others and also taking care of yourself and not putting yourself through even more trauma. 

There is no happy ever after, although we all want there to be!

It would be amazing if I could say that was then and this is now. The truth is I am still in the middle of the story. There is no happy ever after that we all want there to be, but that isn't the way it is. Contentment for us needs to come from a different angle. I am so glad, no beyond grateful for my faith in Jesus, which I haven't talked about enough here to be honest. In another blog on this page or another I will talk about the shift in the bible from natural fertility to Spiritual fertility. Or physical inheritance to spiritual inheritance. 

Perhaps I sound quite depressed in this blog, for the most part that is not the case. Anyone who knows me, knows me that despite these challenges myself and my husband we live a very fulfilled life. 

"Shake off the shame, because there is a lot of shame attached to infertility or childlessness. I want to find those couples who have a similar story or have an childless not by choice story to tell."

Nevertheless I still have not found people who want to talk about this, or are willing to shake off the shame, because there is a lot of shame attached to infertility or childlessness. I want to find those couples who have a similar story or have an childless not by choice story to tell.

"You do have a story worth telling!"

We need each other, we need a safe space where we can just be brutally honest about the highs and the lows of not having children because there are both. So I want to encourage those that read this to tell your story, because you do have one. There may never have been a child not even in embryo but you do have a story worth telling. We can all learn from each other, we need each other, we need community. We need to know that right here in the UK we are not alone in this, right now in the UK church we are not dealing with this alone. So come and tell your story, lets become a community for each other. If you would like to tell your story then get in touch and lets work this out together.